martwisely Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 (edited) Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive Edited November 23, 2006 by martwisely
erik Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 I've heard that one before, but its good A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You have nice house."
Rikard Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 (edited) any more? Edited November 23, 2006 by Rikard
Radz335 Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 found this, I thought it was funny A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
sashjag Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 Heres one, english to Gook(didnt know how to spell Chinease) • Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? • Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni • Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? • I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni • Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? • An unauthorized execution Lin Ching • I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching? • He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka • I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
sashjag Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 And this Drunk joke... drunk manwalks into a bar and shouts across the bar to a group of lads " I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MUM" The lads ignore him. He shouts again " UP THE BUM TOO " They still ignore him. He shouts a third time. " SHE SUCKED MY PENIS TOO! " One of the lads stands up and shouts back " GO HOME DAD YOUR DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!! "
sashjag Posted November 23, 2006 Report Posted November 23, 2006 Areo-Plane Toilets On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Mens restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing, he knew he was in a hospital. As he opened his eyes, a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your balls are in the bucket under the bed"
erik Posted November 24, 2006 Report Posted November 24, 2006 (edited) That second one is good Sash A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost. After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!" "Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says. "It's not your fault," replies the cabbie. "Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse." Edited November 24, 2006 by erik
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