crasher407 Posted September 13, 2005 Report Share Posted September 13, 2005 (edited) just a few that are good???? My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you." Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour. He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded. He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'. He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gaveyou?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*stard'. Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ---------------------------------------- Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ---------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ---------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ---------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. -------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ---------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. --------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------- Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ---------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ---------------------------------------- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. ---------------------------------------- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ---------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ---------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Edited September 13, 2005 by Kev149 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozz155 Posted September 13, 2005 Report Share Posted September 13, 2005 (edited) heres mine to keep the theme going..... Eleven Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say 1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim 2 You take me out too much, can't we just stay in 3 A fake one will do 5 Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it 6 That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body 7 My mother is a real old bitch 8 No, No, you buy me too much already 10 What headache ? 11 Put your money away, let me buy the round oops 4 and 9 deleted Edited September 13, 2005 by Fozz155 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crasher407 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2005 damn missed 4 and 9 before you deleted em aswell fozz lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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