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Scottish Maths - very funny.


ciderman22

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SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2006

 

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2006

 

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

 

GLASGOW REGION

 

Name...........................................

 

Nickname......................................

 

Gangname....................................

 

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

 

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Chantal. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587and he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

 

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

 

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

 

5. Jake the Flake and Suicide Dave got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18months but Dave got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Dave have?

 

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was the Flakes' Brief?

 

 

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

 

Name..........................................

 

RugbyClub..................................

 

Daddy's Company.........................

 

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

 

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

 

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle .His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

 

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmine's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

 

5. Princes Street is 1467yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

 

 

HIGHLANDS REGION

 

Name..................................

 

Glen....................................

 

Clan................................

 

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

 

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

 

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

 

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

 

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring.

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SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2006

 

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2006

 

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

 

GLASGOW REGION

 

Name........PRYDIE.....................

 

Nickname.....CHUBBY CHECKER..................

 

Gangname.........IM A LONER............

 

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

 

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Chantal. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587and he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

 

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

 

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

 

5. Jake the Flake and Suicide Dave got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18months but Dave got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Dave have?

 

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was the Flakes' Brief?

 

 

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

 

Name..........KORIZIN...............

 

RugbyClub.........TOO DIRTY FOR ME............

 

Daddy's Company....GLASS BUMPER MANUFACTURER..........

 

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

 

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

 

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle .His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

 

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmine's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

 

5. Princes Street is 1467yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

 

 

HIGHLANDS REGION

 

Name......KEV MCQUEEN.........

 

Glen.........GLEN WHO??............

 

Clan.....THE GET A LOT OF STICK CLAN.........

 

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

 

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

 

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

 

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

 

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring.

 

 

Couldn't resist sorry rofl.gif

 

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