a wee pick me up

[thumper]

one day in class the teacher asks the class when u die what part of your body reaches heaven first, after a brief silence a wee girl put her hand up and says your hands ,the teacher says why , the girl says because when u pray you clasp your hands together and god reaches down and picks u up, the teacher replies very good, then wee wullie puts his hand up and says no its no its your legs, the teacher asks why, wullie proceeds by saying well my mum was at work the other night and my aunty mary was round as i walked in the living room i heard my aunty mary saying god i am coming i recken god would have taken her if it wasnt for the fact my dad had his face buried between her legs holding her down to the sofa

[Rikard]

[The London Allstar]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

theres loads of those jokes

[erik]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and an American were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash. To their dismay, they discovered that there was only one parachute in the plane. Then the Irisman jumped out of the plane and shouted "This is for Ireland!". After seeing this, the American jumped out and said "This is for America". Then the Scotsman shouted "This is for Scotland!" and pushed the Englishman out.

 

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman were all volentered to spend a year in a Biosphere where they would be locked away from everything and everyone. As the Englishman was entering his Biosphere they asked him what would he like to take with him, the reply was his wife. No problem - they locked him and his wife into the Biosphere. Then it was the Scotsman's turn - they asked him what he would like. "100 crates of Whiskey" was the answer. No problem. In went 100 crates of whiskey. Then it was paddys turn. Paddy thought long and hard and decided he would take 100 cartons of cigarettes which he got. They then locked him away.

 

One year later they open the Englishman's Biosphere where him and his wife came out happy and content. Next the Scotsman. They opened his Biosphere and had to carry him out. They then turned to Paddy. Opened his Biosphere where Paddy popped his head out and asked "anyone got a light?".

 

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Edited June 17, 2006 by erik