erik Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 (edited) A man walks into a bar in England wearing a T shirt which says "Falklands Vet." He goes up to the counter and the barman asks "Pint?", and the man nods his head. As the man is about to pay for the drink, the barman says "No no, Falklands vets don't pay for their drink in here". A few of the other customers overhear this and decide to take up a collection for the guy as he looks as if he has "lived a bit". "Muchas Gracias" said Diego Gonzalez upon recieving the collection. There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!" Edited August 1, 2006 by erik Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martwisely Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Second ones alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kruiz 136 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 second ones good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 I take it you lot don't get the first one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 3, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tilly Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!" Not funny............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FbF 656 Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 TAXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Trash Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 Boom Boom TSCHHHHHH!!!!! He's here all week folks (unfortunately). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 3, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 I'm sorry, I should've realised that you weren't intelligent enough to get the joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tombo209 Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 erik leave now please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martwisely Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 I think every1 does get the joke erik... but u need to find something better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
splinter Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 eric and Lucy were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, eric suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Lucy promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled eric out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of Lucy's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Lucy be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Lucy to be mentally stable. She went to Lucy and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that eric, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Lucy replied, "eric didn't hang himself....I put him there to dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martwisely Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 (edited) eric and Lucy were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, eric suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Lucy promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled eric out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of Lucy's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Lucy be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Lucy to be mentally stable. She went to Lucy and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that eric, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Lucy replied, "eric didn't hang himself....I put him there to dry. nice one i heard shes also planning the funeral for him. Remember folks take time off your work to go to his funeral.... Edited August 3, 2006 by martwisely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calum Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocky Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 pmsl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 3, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sashjag Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 I take it she was sleeping around? \ Sash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Either that or she's also told the baker, milkman and grocer that this boy is their son and evidently it isn't true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
splinter Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!" I bet you're pleased you dont have to collect that free meat anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozz155 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
splinter Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!" I bet you're pleased you dont have to collect that free meat anymore. A man went to a urologist and told him th at he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse." Nice one Fozz, and splinter, I still do as I am not 16 until next month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozz155 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozz155 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Roy the Rooster This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozz155 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’ Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’ ‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy. ‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’ At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’ Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted August 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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