splinter Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 (edited) It's just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum."What's up?" he asks."Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes" Edited June 9, 2006 by splinter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan 57 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 lol nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcy_Boi#133 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunny78 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 lmfaoooooooo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rikard Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 I love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 As always, a comeback from a Scotsman; There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: "The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead". Claudia Schiffer was thinking "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it". And the Scotsman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 (edited) And Also... Scottish Jokes The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland. He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough, Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation. No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood Edited June 9, 2006 by erik Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcy_Boi#133 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 And Also... During the day.... He meets many people who rave about how good their country are and generally talk rubbish, both popular pastimes in SCOTLAND Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 And Also... During the day.... He meets many people who rave about how good their country are and generally talk rubbish, both popular pastimes in SCOTLAND Many people rave about how good they THINK England is, but you don't complain about them. How wrong they are aswell. Scotland was a good country before Blair had his way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Trash Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Blimey, one football joke (cracker!) and Pitt The Embryo (Blackadder rules!) steps up to the plate to go all political. To try and get it back to a funny kind of a football thing....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 (edited) No that isn't the Scotland squad...they all ran away because they were scared by the clowns, they can't help it. Edited June 9, 2006 by erik Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pedz 212 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 good one lads Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ham 775 Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Pitt The Embryo (Blackadder rules!) classic comedy Followed no doubt by Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Trash Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Pitt The Embryo (Blackadder rules!) classic comedy Followed no doubt by Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye Thats the one mate!! Eric, fancy some jelly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Pitt The Embryo (Blackadder rules!) classic comedy Followed no doubt by Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye Thats the one mate!! Eric, fancy some jelly? No thanks. "Jelly" must mean something else. I saw an episode of Blackadder (the ones to do with WW1) and the guy was using dandruff as sugar, mud for making coffee etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andymek Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 the guy was using dandruff as sugar, mud for making coffee etc. Quite common practise in Tavistock I beleive!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Trash Posted June 9, 2006 Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 Pitt The Embryo (Blackadder rules!) classic comedy Followed no doubt by Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye Thats the one mate!! Eric, fancy some jelly? No thanks. "Jelly" must mean something else. I saw an episode of Blackadder (the ones to do with WW1) and the guy was using dandruff as sugar, mud for making coffee etc. Errr no, jelly is jelly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
splinter Posted June 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost of a tooth extraction. "£200 for an extraction, sir", was the dentist's reply. "£200!!!! Hae ye no got anything cheaper, lad?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual sir, but I could do it and knock off £30". "Whit if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it would be very painful. But the price could drop to £90." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, hae yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll certainly be good practice for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. ...But it will be very unpleasant..." "Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for me wife next Tuesday then?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pedz 212 Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 nice one splinter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 (edited) When Wee Hughie moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvellous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Wee Hughie "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all". And also One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said "Oh, Lord, please I beg you let it be blood!" And splinter's last one was good. Edited June 10, 2006 by erik Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nezza46 Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 i normally have a wee huuuughhhhhieeee after a bottle of scotch as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jarry164 Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 It's just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum."What's up?" he asks."Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes" a draw against Brazil....mon the jock's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martwisely Posted June 19, 2006 Report Share Posted June 19, 2006 (edited) Thought i would bring this topic back... The Real Version It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into theBrazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're useless and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself. You lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads " Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him inthe dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And theyonly scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes." Can be found at http://www.office-humour.co.uk/g/i/4282/ lol Martin Edited June 19, 2006 by Kev149 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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